This will be the end of my blog.... It's no longer carthartic, it's whining. It probably always has been, but for a while it was a release. I had told Matt about it and had hoped that while we talked he would have some insight to my feelings by reading it, but I don't think he's read it lately. I don't think it will work between us. I keep fighting and fighting trying to hold on, but he's already left. He did a long time ago. I just rejected what was probably one of the most attractive, p...

Emily, Matt's friend, keeps writing me. I'm really glad she has. Today she wrote about how she's sad that he'll be visiting them out in CA and I won't be. I'm really sad too, more than Matt knows. Emily said they'll all be going out with friends together. I know what that means. I'm sure there will be some female there that he either has a past with or will want to create one with. I also had emails from my friends today about their Christmas parties. I don't even want to go. I don't want to be ...

So, last night Matt and I had dinner together. I knew the girl he was talking to was supposed to call so I made sure he kept his phone on. If he wanted her badly enough to leave me, and if we're friends, he should be able to talk to her in front of me. She called. They talked for a short while and discussed going out, but didn't find a mutually convenient time--I know they will soon. It will probably be a story like us. She'll wait until she's about to go out Saturday night and call him to s...

I want to be with him, but I'm so tired of the battle. I'm trying to get him to go out with other girls so he'll maybe see something (good or bad), but I don't know what's going to happen. Pretty sad when you're telling the man you are absolutely in love with to go out with other people so that he'll find what he wants.... I started thinking about it and the feeling I get when guys have been asking me out this past weekend/week is nothing compared to the feeling I get being with Matt. It'...

To my consolation, a few kind people have responded to my writings (whinings). Because of this, I feel I should give the whole story. I always thought my life wasn't noteworthy, but the past few years worth of drama might make a good "made for TV movie." Because I hope to keep some dignity I will only go into the present situation. I know I have issues. You can't go through life without obtaining some issues. Matthew and I met a year ago January 11. The reason I thought it was fate was becau...

Well, my attempt to stay away from "him" failed this weekend. I spent the entire end of the week and weekend trying to drink and socialize him out of my mind because I don't know what else to do. It didn't work and I knew it wouldn't but it did keep me from being alone in my misery. It made me surrounded and still in my misery which was probably worse. I saw him Thursday night and he took care of me. I knew he would and I hated that. I was too drunk to let him know what it meant to me, but I...

Well, I found a website that explains everything I did to lose my best friend, the love of my life. Here were my mistakes:1. Assume the person is your soul mate immediately upon meeting or shortly thereafter. Look for signs that faith has brought you together and be amazed by the correlations in your lives.2. Forget about your life, your friends, your self care. When you have a soul mate, why would you need a life outside of the relationship?3. Reveal everything, and test your partner with yo...