Well, my attempt to stay away from "him" failed this weekend. I spent the entire end of the week and weekend trying to drink and socialize him out of my mind because I don't know what else to do. It didn't work and I knew it wouldn't but it did keep me from being alone in my misery. It made me surrounded and still in my misery which was probably worse.

I saw him Thursday night and he took care of me. I knew he would and I hated that. I was too drunk to let him know what it meant to me, but I know he knows I appreciated it.

Then, we couldn't stay away. I ended up being with him Sunday morning through Tuesday morning. I had so much fun with him and it was like escaping from reality for a while. Now, it's Tuesday and I'm at work again and the world really didn't stop.

We still love each other and want to be friends (or so we both say--is it because that's what you're supposed to say? For me, it's not). We were both contacted today by people that want to go out with us too. I wrote him to tell him because I still feel as though I'd be cheating if I responded. I'm trying to talk him into going out with the girl he lied about. He says he doesn't want to, but I know deep down he does or it wouldn't have entered the situation. I wish he would. I mainly wish he would so I could feel good about him being open with me about something, but also because then maybe he would be happy with her and move on from me. Then it's not my choice. My decision would be made for me.
He says he doesn't want to hear about the guys that hit on me, but I want to tell him all about it. Sometimes to make him jealous, other times because he's really my best friend. I try to picture myself with these guys and, although most of them are very nice men, they're not Matthew. Everytime a guy would approach me at the bars, I still felt flattered, but completely empty.

I want to be happy again. I know I have a lot of love to give someone deserving. Is he really deserving? He makes me feel so good. I know that during the latter part of our relationship it's been an artificial good because my mind slowly goes to the hurt and deceit, but it's still "good." When we first got together, I never had the move to the bad. It was always good. I was blown away that there could be another human being--especially a male one--that loved to laugh like I do and wanted to be comfortable with someone. I really miss that. I felt he loved hearing me talk and only wanted to see me happy. I told him what makes me happy....it's what everyone wants.

I pray for him a lot. I pray that he'll see what's important. I pray he'll see that he's making poor choices for himself that he's better than.

I know he's at been at home trying to get back to the real world after our little "escape" and I hope that maybe he'll read this, but I hope that one day there won't be a cycle for me (with him or anyone).
Lies, insecurities, fighting, a high you can't live without, lies, insecurities, fighting.........
All because he couldn't see how much I loved him from the beginning.

I don't want to be a fool again and waste this (me) all for not.