To my consolation, a few kind people have responded to my writings (whinings).
Because of this, I feel I should give the whole story. I always thought my life wasn't noteworthy, but the past few years worth of drama might make a good "made for TV movie." Because I hope to keep some dignity I will only go into the present situation. I know I have issues. You can't go through life without obtaining some issues.

Matthew and I met a year ago January 11. The reason I thought it was fate was because I was finalizing a divorce, had been dating several guys for the past year and really thought that I was too different for anyone to care about, and I wasn't even supposed to work the day I met him. A former co-worker had called in sick and I volunteered to cover for her.

When we first met I thought he was adorable. His smile caused a little flutter in me--such cute dimples. I kept trying to talk to him and thought he was annoyed, but I was trying to make the best of being at work on a Saturday that I was supposed to have off. At the end of the day, the conversation went well enough that he gave me his phone number and told me to call him that evening.

I did.

I met him and some friends out at a bar with some of my friends. We talked and seemed to get along well. I asked him if I could go home with him to talk more and we did. The next day I came back and we spent it together as well. We got more and more excited with finding things out about each other.

Things just seemed to progress. In the beginning, we spent a lot of time together and things moved quickly--mistake #1. Five months into being his girlfriend, I started getting concerned. He never left his cell phone on around me, I didn't know any of his friends.....the usual signs they tell everyone to look for.
So, one day, I was at his apartment while he was on his way to see me and I was using the computer. When I hit the "back" button, his email screen popped up. I knew it was wrong, but I looked. And, when I did, things collapsed around me.

There were emails there to friends about how he didn't think I was the one (although he was telling me this) and emails to escort services, other girls, etc. When I asked him about it, he lied, and lied, and lied, for months. He told me he was scared and hadn't been in a relationship for a long time--which was true and apprehension is legitimate. I tried to overlook that. The escort service emails were explained with the reasoning that it was just something exciting and turned him on, but that he never actually had "been a consumer." I'm a big believer in open sexuality as long as no one is being hurt or lied to, so I let that go as a form of porn. Then, after trying to forgive him, the signs were still there and he admitted to me....he had lied to me and a girl, that turned out to be 17, had asked him for his phone number. They went out (he's 25) and kissed good-night. I obtained the girl's email address, wrote her and asked her to tell me the details. I found out what he was telling was true, but it was 2 months too late. In the meantime, I had lost my job, and several other things were taking place in my personal life with my family, etc. I chose to attempt suicide (as like most others, failed). I was in the hospital and counseling for months and he was right there--always taking care of me. After I went through extensive counseling and we had even visited a counselor together, I thought things could change so we continued to see each other. I do believe in forgiveness and know that I have grown a lot from my past mistakes and wanted him to as well.
The next blow came when I found out that he had lied to me about how many people he had slept with. He doesn't think a lover has a right to know all details, but I do. I am staking my health and heart when I have sex with someone and feel I should be aware of anything that could affect me. My worse fears were right--he had slept with hookers before. I had known guys that had messed around with strippers, but never whores and it made me sick. He told me that it was back when he was in college and that it hadn't happened since, but the previous emails made me doubt that. I think any sane human being would. So, I tried to overlook that as someone that was ashamed and finally came clean. We were both tested previously to being together and things were fine. That was my first concern.

So, I tried to look at this situation as he was finally telling me the truth regardless of how it made him look.

Another three months go by and we're still together. It was a daily issue with me asking questions, wondering where he was, thinking about the girls he talked to (he still talked to girls he used to date), etc. I tried to tell myself that if I was going to forgive, that I needed to give him a clean slate.
My willpower failed. I would ask the probing questions, he would get defensive, and we would fight. It was two days of bliss and being happy (usually on the weekends when we were alone) and then two days of fighting--up and down....he thought (and still thinks in my opinion) that this was the downfall of the relationship.

This breakup came last Tuesday when I started getting a bad feeling that just wouldn't go away (believe in your intuition, women). I asked him if he was lying to me about anything and he, of course, told me no. I kept asking and he told me that he had a friend that offered to fix him up and he had emailed him with a message to forward to the girl so they could learn more about each other. When he finally told the truth he told me that he had written it to get out of our relationship and that he was going to tell me, but that I had gotten to it first. So, with all the previous lies, why should I believe this?

He talks as though I'm all he wants and needs, but there always seems to be something else.
When I write it all out, it sounds horrible. Then I see his face and feel his kiss and look in his eyes and all the bad goes away. I know he hasn't had his life go as planned and people have screwed him over too, but I'm past that point in my life. I'm trying to be focused on the good and what I genuinely want out of this life.

I used to be the really social girl that everyone liked and I had things going for me. Now, I feel like I allowed myself to be used and hate myself that I still love him. I do feel sorry for myself. I try not to, but no one wants to be treated that way........

I don't want a relationship like that, one full of deceit and guilt. I want a man that finds me as a friend and someone to support him. I want to do kind things for one another. I want to enjoy each other's company and our friends and family together. I want to know that someone else considers me important enough that they think of how things will affect "us" and not just himself. I want someone grown with goals and a love for good things.

I don't think he even sees the situation in the same light. There's always an excuse.
As much as it hurts, I still wouldn't trade places with him. I was wrong to invade his privacy and am sorry for that. It brought me to a deceitful level which I have not repeated in this relationship. I was good to him.

I am proud of that.