Emily, Matt's friend, keeps writing me. I'm really glad she has. Today she wrote about how she's sad that he'll be visiting them out in CA and I won't be. I'm really sad too, more than Matt knows. Emily said they'll all be going out with friends together. I know what that means. I'm sure there will be some female there that he either has a past with or will want to create one with. I also had emails from my friends today about their Christmas parties. I don't even want to go. I don't want to be lonely either.

It's hard. I have friends that want to just hang out, but they are all couples and then I have the "friends" that claim that it's ok I don't want to date them and we can still just be friends. That doesn't work for very many people. Matt had a friend Nichole that he used to date and I'm sure if she had things her way they'd be more than friends. I'm jealous of her too, imagine that. I haven't even asked about her lately because I don't have that right anymore. I know before Christmas everyone starts talking so....

Matt also said this weekend that he wanted me to go out with someone else while he's gone. I wish he hadn't said that. If he knew who all was asking me out I don't think he would have said that. These aren't guys that just want a date with me and they're not the type of guys that I just "date." They're really nice men that deserve a nice girl and are in the place to show me that. I just don't want to be their girl so I don't see the point of going out with them. It would just cause me to have to tell someone I'm not interested and that's hurtful. I don't like having to be that way.

It'll be six days of a constant battle fighting myself while he's gone. He'll be enjoying his other family and I'll be trying my hardest not to think about us.