This will be the end of my blog....
It's no longer carthartic, it's whining. It probably always has been, but for a while it was a release.

I had told Matt about it and had hoped that while we talked he would have some insight to my feelings by reading it, but I don't think he's read it lately. I don't think it will work between us. I keep fighting and fighting trying to hold on, but he's already left. He did a long time ago.

I just rejected what was probably one of the most attractive, pleasant guys that has ever asked me out. I tried to explain the situation and he was very forgiving, but I still feel badly. He said he'd like me to give him a chance later down the road, but that was probably kindness or pity. I'm not ready. I have my friends to keep me socially occupied, and as support. That's all I need right now. He can go out and try to forget me with someone else, but that will be his choice. I just hope he finds happiness.

So much for a Merry Christmas. I guess the world has come full circle for me. I'm back where I was a year ago (maybe a little more jaded). I hope next year has more to offer.

Matthew knows I love him, but I don't really like him anymore and I don't like myself when I'm with him. I gave and he took.